2019 Holidays

It's really hard getting motivated to celebrate, decorate, and entertain.

Used to be so easy to juggle a full time job, shopping, decorating, planning for both my house and my family's house. Even as our parents' health declined, I still managed to get it all done - and more importantly, joyfully so.

Not anymore.

As selfish as it sounds, I was accustomed to living alone, and my evenings and weekends were my own to do what I chose. If I wanted to pile up presents in the dining room or in the guest room, or drag all the wrappings to the living room and create a disaster for a week or more, or more than likely NOT cook dinner and just pick up something or meet friends for dinner then slip in some shopping after work, or start dragging out the Christmas stuff bit by bit and leave it scattered about in the hallways - I could just do whatever, whenever. There was nobody else to consider when I left work at 6:30 (or later).

Not anymore.

Now my days/free hours are sandwiched between 8 am and 4 pm - when I used to go to work during those hours and the rest was mine to schedule for ME time. Even the days that I stayed late at work, which admittedly I did Monday - Thursday (and once a month forfeited a Saturday for a "workday"), at the end of every day I had ME time.

Not anymore.

I feel suffocated by the daily grind now. Cooking is a chore. Keeping the pantry staples stocked for another person is burdensome. Shopping is always cut short by the new schedule - and the mandatory now consumes me. Working in the yard used to be one of my passions, but now I have to consult the weather, the calendar of appointments, and my aging body limitations in order to schedule an afternoon of yard clean up before I can put out the Christmas lights.

I've forgotten how to schedule my ME time.

Lately (as in the last 3 years), my life has been consumed with taking care of Judy, and until July 2019 when we sold 23 Douglas, doing the necessary bills/paperwork for our father's affairs.

This past year had some major "curve balls". Just when I thought things might be finding a groove, Hanover County fucked with the program - tried to yank the rug out from under the best part of Judy's schedule - Kelly. That took months to sort out, but I did it. Then, Judy's camp trips and the paperwork and medicine requirements, obstacles. Then Judy's return from camp trip #2, the bruises and the falls at work, another snafu. "Fixing it" required a walker (Rollator) and physical therapy. To be honest, I've managed it all except for getting our eyes examined - which probably should be higher on the to-do list.

Part of the juggling also includes our brothers who are also trustees in our family trusts. They finally got their "inheritance" after the house was sold. YAY. But to fulfill our father's bequest to them, our mother's trust has been usurped. Long story short, our father's intentions (and our mother's) have been compromised, and I've spent MONTHS trying to make it right. But I can't because of ... wait for it ... the stock market and Donald Trump. (A WHOLE nother story!) I also have known for two years that the compensation for Judy's circumstance needed to be modified, and I waited until the brothers had their inheritance before I told them about the "new terms." The good news is they agreed with my terms; the bad news is I can't fix the accounting until we sell the stock.

So, I've been caught up in a financial conundrum - and can't fix it. They have NO CLUE what a mess we've created if we can't put the money back in our mother's account before the end of the year - and the taxes will be a hot mess if we don't get it sorted out.

In the meantime, it's Thanksgiving Eve's eve, and neither of our brothers have chosen to invite or include Judy and me in their plans. Freddy and Nancy are in Texas (the first time ever for Thanksgiving) and I have no idea what Phil and Jeanie are doing this week. I know that Jeanie's mom passed away two years ago en route after Thanksgiving, and she's likely struggling with her loss. But Judy and I are struggling too.

2015 I hosted Thanksgiving at the Springhouse, and it was that weekend that we learned that Dad was not well - and he never bounced back. Christmas 2015 was Dad's last Christmas at 23 Douglas. He was home for about 4 hours.

2016 Thanksgiving Dad was at the Crossings. Judy and I went to the Crossings to join him for Thanksgiving dinner, and went to Fred and Nancy's where our family was - for dessert. 2016 Christmas Phil and Jeanie were living in Dad's house. All of their children came. Nobody came to visit Dad. Judy and I dropped in - to schedule Christmas Monday at the Springhouse.

2017 and 2018 our friends Diane and John Fairburn invited us to join their family Thanksgiving. Judy and I spent Christmas 2017 and 2018 alone. We met at Pasta House for dinner 2017 after Christmas; 2018 Tres came by the Springhouse while he was in Richmond; we met Phil, Jeanie, Liz, Eric and the girls at Cracker Barrel the week after. Never saw F and N.

2019 Cindy and Mo, our neighbors who have put wreaths on our parents' grave in Arlington invited us to join them.

So. Holidays aren't such a big deal with our family anymore.