It's a strange thing about how this concept works, but maybe not so much. Sometimes you just get so damn upset about something that the only thing to do about it is cry. Women are lucky that it's okay to cry - when you are happy, when you are sad, when you are just ready to throw in the towel on everything that really matters to you.
But then there's rage. Rage is such a powerful thing. Getting mad and "getting even" have never quite been my M.O. (modus operandi), but maybe I should adopt that philosophy and save the tears.
Without going into the specifics of the last several days, I've found myself in both modes and it really is exhausting. Trying to accomplish tasks is really hard when you are in this place - trust me. And the longer it lasts, the harder it is to dig yourself out from under the mood swings. Crying and getting over it works. Getting mad and getting over that works. But hovering between the two sucks. And sleepless nights just compounds the angst and anxiety that results from it all.
I am mad and sad that my Mom has Alzheimers, that my Dad has to do so much for her and she's just mean about it all - I guess I would be mean too if my mind weren't working the way it's supposed to (like now). I am mad that there's no cure for the common cold and that my sister cannot convey her specific ailments so that my dad can call a doctor and say "here's the deal." Trying to help him from 90 minutes away is killing me.
The longer this goes on, the harder it is to dig out from under it all. The stress in my neck and back, the pressure in my eye sockets, the cravings for compassion and understanding - then getting it makes me cry even harder. Days are beginning and ending with the same conundrums.
I think it's time to take a sleeping pill - or two. Maybe that will stop the mind from twisting and turning. Ya think?
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Acceptance
There are certain things in this life that one must just suck up to and accept them for what they are.
Sometimes, those things can be wonderful, simple realities that should be considered life's gifts - that each day is a new day, that there is air to breathe and often the sun is shining or it rains when we need rain. In my world, that includes the smell of coffee brewing, the loving expressions on my dogs' faces when I awaken or my cat's mellow meow reminding me to feed him; and at this time in my life, enough money in my checking account to cover all of my bills and extra for dining out when I want to. Those are good things.
Then there are the sucky realities: that a cold is going to last 5-10 days, that you can't control the weather, that family doesn't mean much unless you do the right thing(s) by them, that a job is sometimes just a paycheck, and that the people who you think you can depend on - well, you just can't. Some of this can be controlled, some not so much or not at all. Some you can pursue to effect improvement, some you just have to suck it up and accept that people or circumstances aren't going to change, no matter what you do or say.
More importantly, one has to learn "when to hold 'em, and when to fold 'em; when to walk away, know when to run."
There was a time in my life that I thought I could do something to change the way things were - and sometimes I still feel that my actions can have a positive result. I pursue these times vigorously on a regular basis. Calling certain friends and my parents, my sister are among those times, and doing things for them make me feel good, that I am contributing to their quality of life and letting them know how much I care about them. Likewise, opportunities arise that I can do something just because I can make someone's day better, put a smile on their face, or just remind them that someone else noticed or cared enough to say something kind.
I've also attempted in my life to remind people when their actions were deplorable and perhaps they should consider another point of view or plan of action. I've written many a note, letter, email or blog about the inequities and downright unacceptable behaviors of people who should know better. I finally drew a line in the sand with certain significant people in my life (husbands, brothers, employers, neighbors, friends, politicians, colleagues) when their actions didn't match up - and had to walk away.
I accept that they disagree and aren't the people I thought they were. However, it still bugs me that certain people think they are "saints" or even just "caring people" when clearly their actions prove they are not. I am NOT a saint, I am NOT noble, and I am certainly NOT perfect by any means.
But I am consistent and not a hypocrite. I own up to my flaws and do the right thing when I am supposed to. I can sleep at night knowing I have done all in one day that I am capable of doing. I don't make excuses for myself when I have let someone down. And I don't show up somewhere expecting someone to wait on me when it's all they can do to take care of their own needs.
I could go into a huge rant right now but I won't. Sufficeth to say, my dad does not need to feel guilty that he hasn't prepared a meal for guests who invited themselves. It's all he can do to take care of my mother and my sister by himself. I know that certain people would like to THINK they are doing somebody a favor by visiting their parents or other family members, but sometimes it is just not convenient. And how dare you. Nobody benefited from that visit.
Okay, so I went into a little rant anyway. I'll stop.
If you (whoever you are) think that you need to drop in on someone, take them something to HELP them. A meal would be good. Think about the time of day that you are dropping by. If it's mealtime, take a meal. If it's hors d'ouevres, take that. And prepare it for serving, for god's sake.
I'm done. I'm getting mad now. Some people can't think beyond the nose on their face.
Sometimes, those things can be wonderful, simple realities that should be considered life's gifts - that each day is a new day, that there is air to breathe and often the sun is shining or it rains when we need rain. In my world, that includes the smell of coffee brewing, the loving expressions on my dogs' faces when I awaken or my cat's mellow meow reminding me to feed him; and at this time in my life, enough money in my checking account to cover all of my bills and extra for dining out when I want to. Those are good things.
Then there are the sucky realities: that a cold is going to last 5-10 days, that you can't control the weather, that family doesn't mean much unless you do the right thing(s) by them, that a job is sometimes just a paycheck, and that the people who you think you can depend on - well, you just can't. Some of this can be controlled, some not so much or not at all. Some you can pursue to effect improvement, some you just have to suck it up and accept that people or circumstances aren't going to change, no matter what you do or say.
More importantly, one has to learn "when to hold 'em, and when to fold 'em; when to walk away, know when to run."
There was a time in my life that I thought I could do something to change the way things were - and sometimes I still feel that my actions can have a positive result. I pursue these times vigorously on a regular basis. Calling certain friends and my parents, my sister are among those times, and doing things for them make me feel good, that I am contributing to their quality of life and letting them know how much I care about them. Likewise, opportunities arise that I can do something just because I can make someone's day better, put a smile on their face, or just remind them that someone else noticed or cared enough to say something kind.
I've also attempted in my life to remind people when their actions were deplorable and perhaps they should consider another point of view or plan of action. I've written many a note, letter, email or blog about the inequities and downright unacceptable behaviors of people who should know better. I finally drew a line in the sand with certain significant people in my life (husbands, brothers, employers, neighbors, friends, politicians, colleagues) when their actions didn't match up - and had to walk away.
I accept that they disagree and aren't the people I thought they were. However, it still bugs me that certain people think they are "saints" or even just "caring people" when clearly their actions prove they are not. I am NOT a saint, I am NOT noble, and I am certainly NOT perfect by any means.
But I am consistent and not a hypocrite. I own up to my flaws and do the right thing when I am supposed to. I can sleep at night knowing I have done all in one day that I am capable of doing. I don't make excuses for myself when I have let someone down. And I don't show up somewhere expecting someone to wait on me when it's all they can do to take care of their own needs.
I could go into a huge rant right now but I won't. Sufficeth to say, my dad does not need to feel guilty that he hasn't prepared a meal for guests who invited themselves. It's all he can do to take care of my mother and my sister by himself. I know that certain people would like to THINK they are doing somebody a favor by visiting their parents or other family members, but sometimes it is just not convenient. And how dare you. Nobody benefited from that visit.
Okay, so I went into a little rant anyway. I'll stop.
If you (whoever you are) think that you need to drop in on someone, take them something to HELP them. A meal would be good. Think about the time of day that you are dropping by. If it's mealtime, take a meal. If it's hors d'ouevres, take that. And prepare it for serving, for god's sake.
I'm done. I'm getting mad now. Some people can't think beyond the nose on their face.
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