Shame vs stupidity.

So Phillip has accused me of "shameful" behavior.

My first thought was I'd rather be shameful in standing up for the truth and question that which I find unacceptable than to ignore or fail to ask questions and be stupid.

To my questions (and my incessant need for ANSWERS), he responded he doesn't care. That's been pretty clear over the past few years especially, but it's been true my whole life.

I've actually given serious thought to his accusation, and all I can come up with is ...

1. There's plenty of shame to go around. Have I been perfect? Hardly. But at the end of each and every day, I can honestly say I have been diligent in my pursuits of ensuring my parents' and my  Judy's well-being, care, and happiness. And that I said what I needed to say when I said it. Did they like it that I spoke MY truth? Not so much.

2. For a REASON, our parents trusted ME to maintain their affairs in an honorable way, which is why they chose ME to be their executrix and administrator.  I begged them not to set up their wills and trusts the way they did, but they did it anyway. I forced our father to change his will to benefit our brothers (which the attorney agreed was wise - though now, I'm questioning that wisdom.)  I have fulfilled every promise I made to them the best I can, and I will continue to do so. Most particularly in my role as Judy's guardian and caregiver. I have not given up - though I may have wanted to on occasion - and I never will.

3. Judy is OUR sister, and she has been entrusted to my care, but that was not an exclusive responsibility. Our brothers are just as much her siblings as I am. (Shame is transferable here, ya'll.)

4. Am I pissed off that they have ignored her and not made any offer to help me with her? You bet I am. If that is shameful, I accept that accusation. What I think is shameful is that they don't even call her on the phone, that they make lame promises to invite her out to lunch or dinner. What a pile of crap.

5. It is hard being a 24/7 guardian/caregiver to a special needs person whom I love. Much of my frustration is I have lived alone most of my adult life and served as an extended caregiver. When our parents needed me, I was there. After Mom was diagnosed with dementia/Altzheimers, I was there as Dad's back-up. When the time came to move Judy in with me, our brothers did step up to the plate to help me facilitate the journeys of both Judy and ultimately, Dad. When Dad passed, 100% of the responsibility for Judy was left to me. I think our parents expected more of our brothers, and in that regard, our brothers have failed Judy (and our parents) because they don't like that I remind them of that. If that is shameful, then so be it.

6. I've known most of my adult life that my brothers were selfish people and they married selfish women. They now have 7 adult children, most of whom are married with lives and children who have dismissed themselves from their "spinster aunts" because their parents don't value them either. They all have failed to consider the impact they had or the challenges their presence in our parents' (Nana and PopPop's) world presented, particularly in our parents' waning years.  I knew, because I was present at least two weekends a month for ALL of their lives, talked to my Mom - if not daily, at least every other day - and Dad in the last 7-10 years, a couple times a week if not daily.  Hell, I returned to teaching and retired early, sacrificed about 50% of my retirement benefits to be available to my parents. For that sacrifice, my father gifted me and Judy a house.

7.  There's the religion factor which is a HUGE cluster-fuck in this whole dynamic. God has gifted me and Judy with good health, and I can't thank Him enough for that. He has also given me the fortitude to stand up to my hypocritical brothers who use it (in their justification of their own lives) to defend themselves - the only explanation for their absence from our lives. (I still question why not ONE person from my mother's church came to her funeral). Catholics and Mormons have a warped sense of righteousness, and I haven't found a way to forgive that in either of those religions. Not saying I can't or won't, but I am NOT convinced that their self-righteousness has any merits.)

8.  When I look back over my adult life, I have mostly wonderful memories of sharing myself with my parents and my sister. I strive to keep my Judy's life as much the same as it was when she was living with our parents, and that may not have been the best way to approach this "new normal" for us. But I have explained to her that I am not Mom and Dad, and never will be. There were times that I felt close and endeared myself to my brothers, their wives, and to each of their children, and I am thankful for those memories.

Narcissism is not a unique concept. Webster definition is "Narcissism is a personality disorder that most apparently manifests itself in an individual's ability to listen. Narcissism is defined as "excessive interest in oneself," and this trait can make it difficult for individuals to acknowledge or pay attention to others. Instead, the role of other people in the life of a person with narcissism is to provide praise, encouragement, support, and admiration. Extreme narcissism can cross over into a mental illness called narcissistic personality disorder, where a person is driven by a need for approval, and neither understands or cares about the feelings of others."

I've dedicated myself to my sister and my parents' memory. If the way I see our family is "narcissism", then so be it. I've defined my role in this family as a defender of the truth, and if you don't like it, that's your problem, not mine. If that's shameful, if saying how it feels or questions your motives, then, so be it. Phil says it's selfish, and shameful. 

A message to my brothers, their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren ...

We Howlands are narcissists, and we come by it honestly. Our parents, your grandparents, your great-grandparents, gave us the best of themselves because they were children of the American Depression years and they lived through World War II, the Korean and Vietnam wars. They made a conscious choice to provide a better world for us all. They sacrificed and provided for us a better world than the one they grew up in. They dedicated themselves to us all.

If it is shameful and selfish to protect that legacy, then I DON'T CARE.  (to quote Phil, Mr. Mormon dude.)

What an asshole.

Bo Parrish. What an infuriating idiot.

Why is it that a realtor can be such a piece of shit? WE are the sellers, after all. WE are the ones paying a ridiculous commission for his NONperformance.

Tonight, Phil is in Newport News - for the sole purpose of meeting with OUR realtor to get the freaking contract right, and the realtor has refused to meet at his office with Phil. Yes, Phil has a dual purpose: he wants to see the man's office to be assured that he's a legitimate realtor.

I intended to go there too - to be a witness to his legitimacy or his outright farce, whatever, but he won't agree to meet Phil at the office. I'm not so inclined to drive 1.5 hours NOT to see his office. Phil drove 3.5 hours and is now spending the night in a hotel to meet the realtor at our parents' house.

Back story:

I told the asshole realtor when we listed the house that the SELLER was incorrect on the listing agreement. He didn't change it. He said he would but he didn't. A TRUST can't sell a house. A TRUST can't be a seller. Only living people can sell a house. How hard is that to understand? And in our situation, it isn't just ONE trust, it's THREE of them. And THREE trustees (the same three for all three trusts - that's the easy part, one would think).

Now we have a qualified buyer, and the contract seller is still WRONG. "It will be fine. The attorney will make sure it is fine. It only matters on the deed and the deed of trust." Okay, buddy. I'd like to say "If you say so" but know it isn't so.

No. Nope. Nada. Nadaroonie. That's not how it works, dude - the realtor we have to pay for not doing his job. A TRUST can't be the seller, and the people who are the trustees are not going to be held accountable for the sale if you don't get their names attached to the contract in all the proper places.

Lord - I know this is going to be completely screwed up come time for the closing. I know it in my gut.

When Bo brought us a buyer (who we all are glad he found and the buyer is not the problem at all), they came in with a lowball offer, but Phil is so desperate for his inheritance money, we agreed to the price. I suggested since Bo would be paid both sides of the commission, we should negotiate his commission fee, my brothers chose not to. (My suspicion is that Freddy's wife Nancy (who has been a realtor in the past) somehow skirted the family to get a "referral fee" - and I am not convinced that she didn't do this on her own because I do NOT trust her one bit.

Then we had the hoohah over the signing of the documents - that were wrong. We signed them anyway, bad pdf files, emailed as attachments, and only on a signature page - that not all of our signatures appear on. I tried - unsuccessfully - to get Bo to put the documents in "Docu-Sign" - an accepted method of LEGAL signing of files. He gave us a bunch of lip service and my "smart" brothers signed the crappy emailed pdf files anyway. I only agreed to sign THEIR copies.

LORD - it is wrong and I know it.

And we're on another deadline tomorrow. The inspection report - PICRA (they want us to replace the sliding glass door from the sunroom to the deck. I vehemently disagree to this) is due by tomorrow. I will only sign my brothers' copies - in the spirit of family cooperation, but I know it is wrong to sign off of this contract to sell our parents' house under these terms and under these conditions. So I get to be the lone holdout - and will only sign THEIR copies. As a protest to this sale.

I suggested/offered WE ALL GO to Bo's office to sign off on all of the documents and get this documentation done the way it is supposed to be done, but he has refused to give our family audience for 30 minutes to get the paperwork done - professionally and legally.

He has fought us every step of the way - one would think he would jump through hoops to get a $34K commission on this house.

I asked for a HUD/Settlement statement estimate of proceeds - don't most sellers ask for that??? He was put out by my request and said we had to WAIT until closing. He reluctantly sent me a tart text with a summary of "costs" of closing to the sellers. I held my tongue and thanked him. But seriously ...

That is BULLSHIT!!!

None the less.

Tomorrow Phil will represent our family with this SOB - which I know he is torn by his career (he did this for the Mormon church for 30+ years) but it was "their" money. Now it is HIS money on the line. He is desperate for it - he has been for two years, and he is conflicted by his ... greed.

I am not so much conflicted by greed, but by what is the right thing to do in representing our parents. I want this sale to be clean and clear when we convey this property to this new family. When I think back to our father's insistence on buying the Springhouse for Judy and me, I think he knew the challenges I would face in settling his (and Mom's) affairs, and he wanted to make sure we were solid in the face of this obstacle.  Likewise, I insisted that our father secured both Phil and Fred's inheritance. It wasn't fair for Dad to "gift" me and Judy a house (at a certain sum) without leaving the same to our brothers.

We are SO close to the end of our parents' tangible journey - and we have a realtor who is oblivious to what that means.

And I hate that he doesn't get it. I sure hope my brothers do - but in the big scheme of things, it doesn't matter.

I know. And I know my intentions are right where they are supposed to be. To hell with Bo Parrish. He doesn't get it, and he never will. I just hope my brothers do.