January 18, 2019.
I so wanted Judy's 70th birthday to be memorable for her, so I asked her what she wanted. She told me she wanted a party, at 6 pm at the Olive Garden, and she made the guest list. I created an "evite" and sent out the invitations two weeks in advance to everyone on Judy's list.
To my delight (for Judy's sake), most of my/our friends RSVP'd immediately (as in 24 hours), and shortly thereafter we heard from our brother Phil (via text) that he and Jeanie, and maybe Caleb, would attend. Caleb did not communicate with me. (Never heard from any other Phil Howland's crew). It would be another week later that I would hear from Nancy - rsvp for her and Freddy - and a subsequent reply from Anne that Tim would be coming. Tres messaged us too that he could not attend. But wouldn't you know, Tres made certain that Judy received his card on the day of her birthday (via overnight postage to ensure it's on-time arrival.) We love him more than he knows!
Neither I (nor Judy) ever heard from any of Phil's children - Judy's five other nephews and nieces. (Though she heard from most of her cousins! <3). I wonder what that's all about. I presume it is because of the hypocrisy in their "Christian" aka Mormon hearts, but likely it is because they know all that I've said and done (that offends them) is TRUE, and they are too embarrassed to acknowledge that failure in themselves. It's really a shame that they have no clue what they are missing by excluding themselves from Judy's life - no matter how much they dislike me and my scribes. It has AND will cost them dearly. None-the-less...
I had prepared Judy in advance. "Your job is to have fun, and to make sure everybody is introduced to Kelly and your family." She did that between 6 and 6:30. Then it was time to sit down and order our food. But some of our guests were unfashionably late - as in 6:45.
I'm still taken by surprised that both of our brothers (and their wives) showed up for Judy's party. I was/am happy for Judy's sake that they did, though not without their drama added to the day/event. But it was typical of them.
Judy and I planned to get dressed around 4:15 and leave for the restaurant around 5. At 4:15, Phil called to ask if he and Jeanie could come hang out with us before the party. (They had gone to NN to take care of other personal business on Thursday and spent the night - though I invited them to stay with us - before coming to Judy's party in Richmond.) "Sure. We're not dressed yet, but come on." They did. We jumped into high gear so we could visit with them for 30 minutes ... Then, we left at 5:10, later than we had planned, and had a "caravan" following us to the restaurant. Rush hour on a Friday night - we took them via back roads from our house to the Olive Garden on Broad Street.
A hiccup at the restaurant - not quite the layout for 18 guests we had hoped for so we had to rearrange the space. But I wanted Judy to be able to see all of her guests and for them to be able to see her. I had thought that 6-8 pm would be sufficient amount of time, and if everyone arrived on time, it would have been.
I knew that a few people might be a wee bit late (they had messaged me earlier in the day), but I never heard from Freddy and Nancy that they would be late (they messaged Jeanie at 5:30 that they were just getting home from a funeral) ... blah, blah, blah - their normal inappropriate inability to be on time for anything. 45 minutes late, and then they basically ignored Judy and only spoke to Dr. Dan and Rebecca, Phil, Jeanie, and Timothy the rest of the night.
Thank GOD for Kelly, Judy's counselor, who made sure Judy was 100% of her focus - as I was trying to keep all of our guests accommodated during the wait, and making sure everyone was seated with people that they already knew or had a connection with.
And I thank GOD for Cheryl Lyons and Judy Farmer, who in perfect friend form took charge of cutting and serving Judy's birthday cake, and for our wonderful and generous friends Cindy and Mo Evans, Kim and Karl Rhodes, Debbie Carter, and Dottie Carpenter who have been lifelines during the stressful transition of bringing Judy to live with me.
A lovely surprise was "Dr. Dan" Langdon and his wife Rebecca - whose friendship (and Dad's cardiologist) in Newport News and dedication to our father was immeasurable. Dan and his brother Dave became "brothers" to us during our parents' waning years, and we learned that Dan and Rebecca were coming to the party - pretty much at the last minute on the evite (which Freddy only acknowledged after he saw that Dan was coming). Of course, their attention was commandeered by Nancy who monopolized Dan's time the entire night by discussing her medical maladies. Dan apologized for that when the evening ended and insisted we need another rendezvous at a future time. Yes we do, Dr. Dan.
So, yeah, Judy loved her birthday party, all things considered. Fortunately, she is mostly unaware of the dysfunctional family dynamic, except she wonders why Freddy and Phil never call her or come to see her. (I will say here: I OWN my role - as our father's executrix, Judy's guardian, and the "youngest" trustee of three - who draws the line in the sand, so to speak, for our sister's and parents' affairs. And my verbal diatribes to my brothers for their failures - which they find distasteful.)
I've had many conversations with Judy about how things "work out" or how they sometimes don't. On the way home Friday night, I asked her what she loved most about her party. She said "My friends who came." She knew everyone and that they were there because of her. "Except Freddy and Nancy. They never talked to me," she said. "Were you surprised?" "No."
Even Judy gets it. I sure wish they realized what they (and the rest of our family) are missing by being absent from her life. She is much more forgiving than I am, but her feelings are easily hurt. And I struggle with that more than they will ever know.
Actually, I think they'll see this blog at some time in the future, and they will know - sooner or later. And they will be sorry.
In the meantime, my sweet girl felt very special on her 70th birthday. And I feel validated - that something in their hearts told them they HAD TO BE THERE, and we managed to get our brothers to show up. We all know that our TRUE and honorable friends lift us up in ways I hope they know make our lives better on a daily basis.
Because every time we hear from you, you do that. And we love you for it!
