Another New Year ...

Not gonna lie.

I'll be glad when 2017 is done. It hasn't been a very good year, all things considered.

There have been some good things that happened this year.
1. Judy has a workshop and daily transportation, thus some independence.
2. I have a window in my master bathroom and shower large enough that I don't bang my arms on the walls when I wash my hair.
3. I managed to fulfill my days for HCPS, and ultimately retired completely so I could focus on Dad and Judy. (and all that this implies.)
4.The best thing about this year: Dad got his last wish - to be buried at Arlington with all of his family surrounding him.
5. As for me and Judy, we are healthy (for the most part), happy to be living together, and we don't have to worry about our Dad anymore.

If that list has a sorry-ass tone to it, it's because it's been a sorry-ass year.

1. Yes, Judy has a place to go every day, but it's not a job and she is bored. She likes her counselors, but Judy is so much higher functioning than most of the clients there, I can only imagine how frustrating it is for her to be among them every day. She prefers to be involved, doing stuff, being helpful. I don't think she gets that reinforcement at the Day Center. She needs to feel fulfilled.

2. Yes, I have a "new" master bathroom - albeit incomplete and with numerous flaws. Yes, it is better than the previous bathroom for the reasons mentioned and I am happy with the overall effect. But my contractor never finished the job or corrected the flaws. What was supposed to take 6-8 weeks to complete dragged on to four months. Then he never came back. It's still not 100%. And the bedroom is not the way it's supposed to be either. I gave up on that project for the rest of the year. I thought my contractor might come back, but he never did, except to return the key to my house - in October.

I need to backtrack: This is where our lives got totally fucked up:

There was a family squabble in January. My brother and his wife invited a stranger to move into our father's house (that they were living in for free) - a decision I did not agree with. When I put my foot down, my brother's feelings were hurt and he chose to draw a line in the sand. I was right, but he will never say so. I used the "I will call the lawyer card if I have to" and he backed off. But he was pissed. Our relationship was 'forever marred.'

January -  February. During that uncertain renovation time and the Phil/stranger moving into Dad's house time, Judy started at the Workshop with erratic transportation. Three weeks of uncertainty for Judy's travel while I was trying to schedule my remaining days for Deep Run and Central office, and my brothers bailed on Dad from February through April while they took care of their own needs and desires. Trying to schedule our life was insane.

In March, I needed to have Dad/Judy/Mom's taxes done - I went to NN for the day and got a text "Where is Judy?" when I thought my brother was picking her up at her workshop. Yes. That was when I learned that I could not trust my brothers with our sister's care. I was/we were on our own again.

March-May. When they finally came back to Dad, he was dwindling, and I was cramming in my PREP days. It was hard.

Dad passed away at 4:27 on May 10, 2017. It was a Wednesday afternoon. Phil and Fred (and their wives) were with him. I had subbed that day and got to the nursing home shortly after 2 pm.  I was there for an hour or so and loved on him but came home to retrieve Judy at 4 pm and meet with our fencing contractor. That's when Freddy called. He didn't have to say it. Dad had died.

Since May, my life has been a blur. I assumed new roles and tasks as our father's (and our mother's) executrixes to manage their estates; I was their administrator; I was one of three trustees; I am Judy's guardian. I am still a sister of a special needs sister and two dysfunctional brothers. I am still my parents' daughter - and I was/am still in mourning. And I am dealing with the federal government that has different rules for the IRS and for the military families who set up assurances and policies for their loved ones. The paperwork has been brutal. (Not to mention I became eligible during this window for Social Security. Different story.)

All but one of Dad's life insurance policies has been collected. Phil has sold Dad's stamp collection. All of the will items have been delivered to their recipients, mostly. I still have a few items in my garage named in the wills. Freddy has not filed the Legionnaire's insurance policy to my knowledge, something he has dragged his heels on for more than 17 months. And there is the matter of the house.

My brothers have removed the things from the house that they want. I've got most of what I want except for the furniture, which I had planned to leave for staging.

The sale of the house is the last piece of this puzzle.
1. I scheduled online auction appointments and contracts. (in June and July)
2. I scheduled on SITE auction appointments and contracts. (in July and August)
3. Phil obtained five competitive market analyses from real estate agents. (before they moved out in August)
3a. Phil orchestrated the Driveway project and home repairs.
3b.  I had the attic emptied.
4. September: My brothers didn't like the terms of any of those deals. Instead, they chose to circumvent me and my plan by purchasing plywood and sawhorses to set out the stuff for an estate sale. Completely cluttered the house.Not what the estate sale people were expecting, nor was I.
5. After the funeral in October, we had scheduled an estate sale for November 16-18,  Didn't happen. My brothers bailed on the plan.

What needed to happen didn't happen.

There's a lot of stuff left in the house. People would buy the stuff, but honestly, it would have been great if before Thanksgiving when I originally scheduled it. Lots of Christmas, lots of memorabilia for the neighborhood, lots of military artifacts (in a high military population area). None the less...

It occurred to me after Thanksgiving that the neighbors of Cedar Grove would not like the traffic issues that would result from an estate state during December, so I told my brothers we'd get back to things in January 2018. I think they expected me to take care of business between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I don't know for sure, but I knew I needed to take care of me and Judy during that time. As it so happened, Judy got sick (a bad cold) and gave it to me, so we were both sick during Christmas 2017.

We're okay, but our brothers bailed on our original Christmas rendezvous and rescheduled - which was fine with us. What's most curious about that ... oh, never mind.

Then, I get a call from my brother Phil before Christmas 2017.

My niece Liz wants to borrow $40K from the trusts for her business to be repaid over NINE YEARS. (We have six more nieces and nephews. What if they asked for the same thing?) Phil is awaiting his inheritance of $200K to offset his residential loan in FEBRUARY. Freddy finally sends me the "bill" for his reimbursement for our father's funeral and his son's travel reimbursement after 12/26/17.

I am not a bank. I hate dealing with money. I am not a lender. I am managing NINE bank accounts on my parents and my sister's behalf.

 I am only one person. My priorities on this day in this life are:
1. Me.
2. Judy.
3. My life.
4. Judy's life.
5. My other responsibilities in this order:
     Dad and Mom's stuff.
     Other. (My brother's children fall into that category.)

Happy New Year, ya'll. I really have to learn how to let things go. And tonight, I am doing just that.

The answer to your question is NO.
No. Your children cannot borrow money from the estates. (Mom's, Dad's, Judy's.) No.
No. You cannot have your inheritance until the house is sold. No.

When you ask for money, 30 days is the best I can do.

We need to get the house ready and sold. I will be removing my items before January 12. The rest will be staged or in the garage. But we still have to sign a listing agreement. And we have to have the house ready to sell. It is to your advantage to make that happen.

It's the best I can do. And I'm okay with it. Sorry if you are not.

Love,
Trish

Karma ... Thanksgiving 2017

Two years ago today, we learned just how sick our Dad was. His life was forever changed on Thanksgiving 2015 when we realized he was filled with fluids.

His end-of-life journey (when he let me take him to the hospital) that began on November 30, 2015 lasted another year and a half - in Riverside Hospital and the Newport, relocating him to Brookdale Imperial Plaza (Manor Care), then moving him to the Crossings of Hanover. His passing on May 10, 2017 was bittersweet - but a relief from his body's failures. We laid him to rest in Arlington on October 30, 2017.

Judy and I were officially orphans. We've known we would be, but it became real. Phil and Jeanie would be hosting her mother and stepfather for Thanksgiving; Fred and Nan would be going to Blacksburg to be with their grandchildren. No one in our family invited us to join them so we were going to be alone. I made a reservation at a local restaurant for Thanksgiving.

For the first time in our lives, Judy and I spent our Thanksgiving 2017 without our family.

Fortunately, we have good friends in Diane and John Fairburn who invited us to their home for Thanksgiving dinner with Diane's siblings and John's daughter. It was delicious and most welcoming to be with them to celebrate the day.

And as karma would have it ... today we learned that Phil's mother-in-law (Jeanie's mom) passed away this morning. She had been ill since Wednesday night at their house, fell out of her chair on Thursday (Thanksgiving) at breakfast, left Friday to return to Savannah and lost consciousness in the car en route home. She passed away this morning.

I am so sad for Jeanie and her sister Alice and for Grace's husband, Harold. But I can't help but wonder why this was Grace's fate.

When I look at my parents' journey to the end of their days, I see their conscious decisions and their control over it. I've examined my role in their end of life journey, and I know without a doubt that I did everything I could to ensure their peace of mind.

And I am sad for my brother and his wife - that they didn't recognize what was happening before their eyes.

RIP, Grace.

Establishing Roots

7/24/17

After months of reality checks as they pertain to my daily existence (losing my Dad, losing the privacy of 16 trees and many more limbs), today was the day I actually planted plants in the ground. While I started this spring season with flower pots and hanging ferns, a first at the Springhouse, and I've pruned and weeded numerous times in the three years I have lived here, this establishing the yard week has finally arrived.

We began when Phillip came last Tuesday to purchase and plant the first of many new trees - a white dogwood to honor our father. I've spent the sweltering, near-100 degree days watering it to keep it alive. Last night's storm was the first rain in weeks, so the ground was particularly receptive to planting the liriope and dusty miller I bought at the beginning of the summer. I will also plant the gardenias in the ground today, and maybe some of the overflowing sweet potato vines and transplanting the pink petunias - all favorites that Mom particularly enjoyed in her gardens and pots.

This week also marks the installation of the fence posts on Thursday, next week the pickets, and sometime in the fall, the fence will be white. Chelsea will be able to enjoy the yard safely, and the surround of a white picket fence will define the space that will become our eventual cottage garden that I so desperately need in order to feel ownership of this property Judy and I call home.

I look forward to the sweat and tears, dirt under my fingernails, and energy spent making this yard mine instead of one I inherited. It will be beautiful again.

Losses big and bigger

2017. If I had to define it in one word, it would be a year of loss.

I lost my very dear friend Ann Northington in early January.
Another good friend, John Irby, passed away in late January.
I lost my Dad in May.
One close friend lost a brother, another friend lost a husband last week.

That's just lives lost.

There's the lost trust of my brothers.
Not for lack of trying, we lost all hope of finding a job for Judy.
My lost faith in my contractor who never finished the job on my house.
The loss of 16 trees so far (and the ultimate privacy they afforded) in our back yard.
Coming to the realization that I can't commit as a PREP teacher for HCPS schools.

Those are the personal losses.

Then, the impact of a faltering government and lost faith in the highest office of the country.
The lies. The absence of integrity and honor. The absurdity of the fallout of incompetence.

A weak person might not be able to sustain a sense of normalcy with all of this loss. But I came across this quote this year that has given me hope:

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

So that's how I intend to proceed.