Outrage and tears

Months ago I started this blog entry about outrage and tears, but whatever I said has disappeared.  I think I am glad it's gone. 

It probably had something to do with my mother's care at the nursing home, or my father's sadness that my mom has Alzheimers, or my sister has a bum knee and needs surgery, or that I was sexually harrassed by a student who masterbated during an exam with 29 other students in the room and nothing was done about it.

Yes, this has been a year of outrage and tears.  And it took me six months to realize that I was depressed and needed drugs to manage the thoughts, the feelings, the sadness, the rage I had for this past year.  I finally made an appointment with myself to go to the doctor and get an anti-depressant, which worked wonders relatively quickly. 

"You are so chill, Ms. Lyons" one of my students said after a particularly obnoxious English class (with my masterbater still enrolled in my class).  "Must be spring break" I said.  Ten days off and nobody else to manage besides myself.

Yes, it was not a good year for Trish - Patricia Ann Howland Hall Lyons - aka Patty, Trish, mommy (to three adorable critters), teacher, adviser, editor, manager, daughter, sister, homeowner, friend, gardener, cook, former wife, 56 year old almost retired person who somehow manages to get up every day and do what needs to be done - well, almost every day.  But my body was screaming at me - gout, shingles, depression. 

It's been 35 years since I graduated from Longwood College - and I'm proud to say I have been a dynamic teacher most of that time.  I've learned more about the publishing business than I ever thought possible and taught a few kids what it means to write like you mean it and make it look good at the same time.  I don't feel completely responsible for that - I attribute most of my success to my parents, my sister, Dr. Lockwood, George Crutchfield, Bill Turpin, Tom Stavredes, Vicki Ford and Jane Selden.  A little bit of that I attribute to KD (Karen Dillon, but she likely would never acknowledge that). 

And last but not least is Dr. Aaron Spence.  I think he believed in me more than I believed in myself.  I know I introduced myself to him in an overly confident manner and that was my ticket to the success I have had these last eight years.  He endorsed my confidence and if he ever reads this, I want him to know that he gave me more than any professional I've ever known.  He let me know that even when we make a mistake, we have to own it and get past it with our head held high.  I never judged him and I don't think he ever judged me. 

So, yes, I have outrage for the wrongdoings that I endured this past school year - which may very well have been my last.  And, yes, I have tears for the sadness I have felt on so many levels.  I loved being a teacher this past year - with the best group of seniors who knew who I was, what I stand for, and how I felt mixed emotions about my daily life.  I taught them that no matter what "that which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger."  They loved me and I loved them more.

I don't want to leave teaching - the good parts with wonderful young people who respect me, my peers who know I bust my ass every day to give my kids confidence the way my parents and Aaron Spence gave it to me.  I'd like to think that is my legacy.  But it's time for me to refocus on my parents and my sister - and I've come to the realization that one cannot do it all well.

It's been real, HCPS.  Thanks for the memories. 

First day of summer break!

So, it's official!  It's summer break Monday, June 18, 2012. 

After a quick weekend trip to NN for Father's Day, I'm at home all day cleaning my house.  Put my new Swiffer wet-jet to work, stripped the bed, doing the laundry and getting ready to go back to NN for about a week/ten days or so - so Daddy can go to the family reunion and visit his home place one more time.  He's feeling reminiscent these days and checking things off his "bucket list" - even though he probably doesn't know that's what he's doing.

My bucket list is to help him with his bucket list, so that's what I'm going to do this summer.  I'm also going to clean out the clutter from my life.  I've got an awful lot of clutter - not just stuff but moments when I feel unfulfilled because of the clutter of things undone.  So, my plan is to eliminate as many of the to-dos so I can focus on "want tos" rather than need tos, should dos, would dos. 

Closets, drawers, garage, attic, office, boxes, hideaways - you name it, I got it.  So does my dad (well, mostly mom), but we Howlands all have a bad case of clutter.  Today, I'm focused on cleaning and getting ready not to be here for the rest of June, but July is MY time.  I will do one closet per day until they are all done.  I will do every drawer before the summer is over.  And it is all going to Goodwill.

I'd like to think I will plant $5 worth of flowers every day once I get back from NN.  And paint my fence, but maybe not.  Cottage garden may be just a pipe dream.

It's okay.  I can want it all I want - and maybe one day I will have one, but I don't think it's going to happen this year.

In the meantime, Maryann says we have 72 days of vacation.  And today is just day three.  69 more to go.  We can do a lot with those 69 days, and I intend to make the most of them!